


Places We Won't Walk

by MisNixia



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, One Shot, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:26:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28284687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisNixia/pseuds/MisNixia
Summary: Even the king of the stage has moments of weakness, and that's perfectly okay - as Cai Xukun learns.In a little hidden carpark in Shanghai, a place for just the two of them, Wang Ziyi and Cai Xukun meet, part, and reunite once again.
Relationships: Cai Xukun & Wang Ziyi, Cai Xukun/Wang Ziyi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Places We Won't Walk

**Author's Note:**

> The title "Places We Won't Walk" is a song by Bruno Major. I was writing when it came on and I thought it really suited the overall mood of this fic. Do give it a listen!

_2.30am, Shanghai_

Ziyi cruises down the well-lit roads of Shanghai city, smoothly shifting gears despite being only a two month old driver. The street lamps cast long shadows, flitting by as he passes them one after another. Outside, the shiny modern buildings meld into a silver blur, rushing by as the car powers on. 

Ziyi loves going for drives late at night, when there are no cars and no people around. In contrast to day time, a hush falls upon the busy Shanghai streets, giving it a magical charm. No doubt there are still some hard at work in the offices, the lighted windows of the highrise buildings a tell tale sign. But down on the streets, their toil goes unnoticed and there is no soul in sight. This gives Ziyi the space he needs to breathe - away from work, from the public and from cameras. When he drives about at night, he’s in his own little bubble, free to be himself and just take time to reflect and think. 

Usually, he’d put on some music - his own songs or his favourite r&b and hip hop artists, depending on his mood. Usually, this whole experience would be relaxing for him. But today, he’s tense and the car is filled with a pregnant silence. He grips the steering wheel a little tighter, his palms slick with sweat - a dead giveaway for when he’s nervous. 

“Shall we go _there_?”

Finally, the person beside him speaks. His voice is quiet, distant, almost a whisper. But Ziyi doesn’t miss a single word. He spares a glance to his right and his breath catches in his throat. 

Cai Xukun is seated in his passenger seat, the harsh street lights illuminating his pale skin. He looks ethereal, almost unreal, like an angel descended from above. The single mole on his left cheek, the shadows cast by his long eyelashes, fluttering every time he blinks, the single gold rose painted blue that hangs from his earlobe - Ziyi takes it all in in a split second before training his eyes back on the road. 

“Sure.”

Xukun looks down at his hands in his lap, a small strained smile finding its way to his lips. ‘Sure’ - as always. His heart clenches at the simple reply, not in the least because of how noncommittal it sounds. In fact, it’s the opposite. ‘Sure’, ‘Okay’, ‘Alright’ - these one word replies have always been Ziyi’s way of showing his acceptance and support, his unique way of loving. They had always been a source of confidence for Xukun. Even after all this time, after everything that has happened, Ziyi’s reply to him remained unchanged.

* * *

_Idol Producer, 2018, before top 35 eliminations_

“How about the two of us leave?”

Xukun was tired. His muscles ached and his bones creaked from the overexertion. But even then, responsibility pushed him on - to dance one more time, to lead on his little group and help them in whatever way he can. He knows all too well that most of them are likely to leave in the ranking announcement tomorrow. He knows that this - Dream team B - is just a temporary group. Despite knowing all this, despite rationally recognising that his efforts are going to be for naught, he still wants to do something for them. However, reality was cruel and while his team improved, they were still lagging far behind team A. No doubt, even if his team were to survive eliminations, many of them would be voted out of Dream and to another song where they’d have no more than two days to learn a whole new song. Xukun knew how difficult this would be for them. So he suggested leaving voluntarily. 

“At most, the two of us can just tough it out”

Two of us - He and Ziyi. Ziyi was the first person he talked to in Idol Producer, having been seated near each other during the preliminary assessment. Ziyi had taken seat number 2, Xukun seat number 6. They were both then in A class together and spent hours dancing to Ei Ei side by side. Even when Ziyi had been demoted to class B while Xukun took on the center position, Ziyi had been ever present. When Xukun’s hands flared up with allergies from the lack of sleep, the dry and cold weather and the dusty dormitory life, it had been Ziyi who nagged at him to take care of himself and apply his allergy cream religiously. And in the subsequent assessments, be it PPAP or Papillon, Xukun and Ziyi were always one team. It had become a given. 

“Sure.”

Ziyi didn’t ask more, didn’t question why. He simply accepted what Xukun proposed. To others, it might seem like the older boy had no opinion, was too nice, and was just going along with what Xukun said. But Xukun knew better. He knew Ziyi understood where he was coming from and agreed with his decision. Ziyi himself had been leading the team on the side, acting like the support figure where Xukun blazed on, ensuring Xukun didn’t burn both himself and the team out. They worked well together, and they understood each other. More words weren’t needed. 

* * *

The car pulls into an empty parking lot, a small and often overlooked one, sandwiched by tall office buildings on either side. The unassuming car park is located near the huangpu river that runs through Shanghai, offering a quiet respite from the city, overlooking the river front. It was a hidden find, one shared by Ziyi and Xukun. 

Ziyi switches off the headlights and powers off the engine. Winding down the windows, a gentle breeze carries with it the rustling sound of swaying tree leaves and the lazily lapping waters. A habitual series of actions that Ziyi has long accustomed himself to. Then, he sits back, and waits.

Xukun had caught him off guard just an hour ago, messaging him out of the blue. 

**Kun**

_01:39_

Ziyi

You there?

_01:45_

Kun

What’s up?

_01:46_

Want to go for a drive?

_01:55_

Sure

I’ll pick you up

Same hotel?

_01:56_

Yeah

See you

  
  


Ziyi had been working on his music and was just about to call it a day when his phone buzzed, lighting up with a familiar yet unfamiliar name. It has been months since the last time Xukun and he spoke at all. Scrolling up, Ziyi sees the texts from their previous conversation, back when Xukun received the offer to be PD in Youth With You 2. 

In November last year, Xukun had texted in the 9% group chat asking for opinions. He had been uncertain about accepting the offer and with it great responsibility. Afterall, he had debuted only two years ago. What qualifications did he have to be PD, filling in the large shoes Zhang PD left behind? The members had replied enthusiastically, chanting Kun PD, Kun PD, Kun PD - even as Xukun repeatedly stated how he had yet to decide. Not wanting to spoil their fun, Ziyi texted Xukun privately. 

_10:51_

I think you’ll do great as PD

But no pressure, it’s okay to say no

I’m sure Director Chen will understand

_11:27_

Do you think it’s okay for me?

_11:31_

Of course

And that was the end of their conversation. Ziyi could guess what Xukun was worried about, and he gave his opinion as Xukun had asked. That was all. No more, no less. It was not Ziyi’s place to ask further if Xukun didn’t need someone to talk to. 

The next time Ziyi saw Xukun was already on the stage of Youth With You 2 - him as a senior collaborating with the trainees, Xukun as their PD. As Ziyi expected, Xukun did amazing as PD, his gentleness, patience and insight appreciated by the trainees and audiences. 

And now, Youth With You 2 has already ended 2 months ago and during that time Ziyi heard nothing from Xukun. Which was normal, or what had become the norm for them. What _is_ strange, is the fact that Xukun contacted him, wanted to meet up, and is now sitting here, in his car, at the place where it all started and ended - their special place. 

Sitting in the darkness, Xukun feels the night breeze gently caressing his cheek. He clenches and unclenches his fists, unsure of what to say, where to begin. Back in this parking lot, oh so familiar, memories come flooding back to him. 

* * *

_2018, May 5, Shanghai_

After their first fanmeeting, Ninepercent returned to their hotels, most of them tuckered out and ready for bed after the night of excitement. For Xukun, it’s slightly different. As the adrenaline high subsides, the resounding cheers and blinding lights replaced by a quiet and small hotel room, he’s filled with a strange sense of emptiness. The contrast disorients him. He paces about the room restlessly, unable to quell the passion burning within him - he wants to perform; He wants to dance; He wants to sing; More. At this moment, a clear knock resounds on his hotel door. Without having to look through the peephole, he knows it’s Ziyi. Without hesitation, Xukun opens the door wide, a smile already blooming on his face. 

“Hey,” Ziyi smiles back, stepping into Xukun’s room. 

Like magic, a wave of calm washes over him. Ziyi has always had this effect on him. Even the first time they met, when Ziyi had asked him if he was nervous for the preliminary evaluations. Ziyi’s smile has always given him a sense of comfort. 

“I thought you’d probably have trouble sleeping so I came over,” he says simply, settling on Xukun’s bed. Of course, he’d already showered and put on a fresh set of clothes.

Being Xukun’s roommate and having spent so much time with Xukun during the programme, Ziyi was well aware how high strung Xukun got after performances, often unable to leave behind the stage and its allure. Every time this happened, they’d spend hours just talking, listening to music, or enjoying each other’s presence until Xukun fully calmed down, walking out of his stage persona. It was like a little ritual between them, one that didn’t need any words to explain. 

“How about we go for a walk?” Xukun beams at Ziyi, already moving towards the door.

“Are you sure, leader? We could get caught.” Ziyi cautions, raising an eyebrow, pointedly using the title ‘leader’ - he only uses it when he wants to show recognition of Xukun’s role while at the same time offering his opinion. Signature Ziyi-style consideration.

In response, Xukun tugs on the hood of his sweater and deftly grabs the cap on the table, putting it low over Ziyi’s eyes. 

“It’s late, and we’ll just avoid the main streets. It’ll be fine~” 

The usual Cai Xukun, leader and center of Ninepercent, would never say something like this. He would never take the risk. But Kunkun himself, free of any responsibilities outside of work, is very much a child - one who likes fooling around, who will order the same burger days in a row simply because he likes it, who will pout and whine to get his way. And Ziyi has simply no way of saying no to the younger boy. Besides, Xukun could use a breather, a break where he can just be himself, plain and simple.

And so, they stole into the night, braving the biting wind, walking down unfamiliar paths in the dark, until they stumbled onto the little carpark. Standing side by side, they admire the view - the river beneath their eyes, the tall buildings closing them in, and the once busy street in the distance behind them. It felt like their own private world.

Looking up, Xukun sees a silver crescent peeking through the clouds. No stars are in sight, as expected as they are in the city. Nonetheless, nothing can hide away the splendour of the moon. Waxing and waning, yet ever present, always shining. 

“Look, Ziyi. Isn’t it beautiful?” Xukun asks, pointing to the moon. 

“Yeah” Ziyi responds, never once turning to look at the moon hanging loftily up above. Instead, his eyes are focused on the thin boy by his side, bundled up in an oversized black sweater, face partially hidden by his hood. His bangs sweep over his eyes, twinkling in the night. Beautiful indeed. 

“... I want to be like that. On the stage.” Xukun whispers, his lips curving into a gentle yet lonesome smile. He wants to be that irreplaceable light on stage, shining for people in the night.

Ziyi waits for Xukun to continue, to share his thoughts.

“But you know, the moon needs the sun to shine. Without the sun, the moon can’t shine.” The smile falters, and uncertainty finds its way into the depths of Xukun’s clear eyes, clouding them. 

“You have your sun. Your Ikuns.“ Ziyi offers gently. The numerous luminescent yellow signboards at the fanmeeting earlier were impossible to miss.

Xukun looks down, tearing his eyes away from the silver crescent. 

“Mm. You’re right.” 

A ‘but’ lingers in the air, unspoken.

“And you have me.”

Xukun turns to Ziyi, eyes widening in surprise. Ziyi’s tone was casual, but the underlying meaning laced in his words didn’t go unnoticed. A promise - to stay. 

Since young, Xukun had been moving from place to place, both within China and overseas. The people around him constantly changed, and he’d gotten used to it. Yet despite this, that didn’t mean he liked it. He especially hated goodbyes. He’d feign nonchalance each time, waving goodbye with a smile on his face, but his hugs lingered, always the last to let go. Each time, he’d console himself that it’s fine because he was chasing his dreams and he had his fans there by his side. Ikuns were his sole constant, his only support, his accompaniment as he ran on and on. But it wasn’t the same. While Ikuns were always there as a symbolic entity, the people themselves come and go. Xukun couldn’t talk to his fans. The only time he can interact with them properly is at performances - him on the stage, them in the audience seats. It wasn’t the same as having someone there by his side.

“I’m right here too,” Ziyi adds, his gaze soft and incomparably kind. Xukun feels like crying, his eyes stinging. Ziyi has always been like this, quietly staying by his side, supporting him in his almost unnoticeable ways. Ziyi always knew what Xukun needed most, even if Xukun himself didn’t say anything. Ziyi was unchanging. Xukun’s gaze blurs, tears threatening to spill over. He rubs harshly at his eyes, hoping to quell his emotions. What was he getting all emotional for?

“Kun,” Ziyi calls out, pulling the younger boy’s hands away before cupping his cheeks with his wide palms. 

They lock eyes for a second, and no words are needed. Ziyi takes a step closer, into Xukun’s space. He leans down, so close Xukun can feel the older boy’s breath on his cheek. Ziyi pauses, tentative, questioning. Xukun’s eyes flutter close in consent. Teardrops collect on his lashes, like a thread of pearls glistening under the moonlight. Ziyi kisses them away gently and Xukun flinches. Before he can react, Ziyi presses his lips to Xukun’s, softly at first, then persistently, fervently. 

It’s warm, thinks Xukun, as he wraps his arms around Ziyi, hugging him tight. 

* * *

Xukun and Ziyi continue to sit quietly in the dark, the silence not quite stifling, yet clearly unnatural. They should be talking about the elephant in the room, but neither can find the words. And Ziyi decidedly refuses to be the first to speak, not when Xukun was the one who wanted to meet, who wanted to come here of all places, despite knowing how significant it is, was, to both of them. 

Ziyi knows how hard this is for Xukun. He can see how tense and at a loss the boy is from the way he hunches in on himself and fiddles with the hem of his shirt. Normally, Ziyi would say something to start the conversation and break the ice between them. The previous time they met, he’d been amiable, just like a fellow member. But this isn’t normal and he’ll be damned if he gives the younger boy an easy way out. Not this time. No, this time he can’t be that supportive, accommodating Ziyi. 

This place is too special, too painful for Ziyi. He’s avoided coming here ever since, but now that he’s back here, what more with Xukun by his side, it dredges up the memories Ziyi had tried so hard to bury. He recalls the nights spent cuddled under the same blanket in their shared room, the late night conversations, the numerous texts and light touches. He also remembers how they parted ways, right here in this very place. 

It was Kun’s 21st birthday and somehow the stars aligned, allowing them to meet up in Shanghai on August 1st. Instead of dining out at a fancy restaurant, they decided to have a quiet dinner at Ziyi’s place. Upon hearing that it was Xukun’s birthday, Ziyi’s Grand Uncle had been more than willing to whip up a scrumptious dinner. Of course, sweet and sour meatballs was one of the dishes - Ziyi’s childhood favourite. The ‘self restraint’ sign Ziyi often placed on his dining table would have to be relegated to the corner for the night. 

Over dinner, everything felt like it was back to how it should be as they talked about their latest work, new shows they watched recently, and just about anything under the sun. But truth be told, they hadn’t met for a while due to conflicting schedules, and after the shitstorm that had been the start of 2019, Xukun had become more distant. He was like a clam that had been provoked, closing in on itself, hiding away from the world. 

Good morning texts left on read became a norm. Phone calls became a rarity, work an excuse to escape. But Ziyi persisted, always reaching out to Xukun, unfailingly sending good morning and good night texts - if anything as proof that he was still there, as always. If Xukun needed someone to talk to, he could reach out to Ziyi anytime. Alas, Xukun avoided talking about the whole incident, often diverting the topic to other matters or simply dropping the conversation. And so Ziyi let him. He didn’t want to force the boy to talk about things he didn’t want to. Ziyi, as always, gently accepted Xukun’s decision. 

After dinner, Ziyi brought out a two-tiered cake he had custom made for Xukun, decorated in black and gold - Xukun’s fan support colour - with sprinklers on top. The candles cast a warm glow on Xukun’s face as he closes his eyes and makes a wish. Ziyi watches on fondly, admiring the features he’d become so familiar with yet hadn’t seen in months. He makes sure to commit every detail to memory, saving this special moment in his heart. As those clear eyes open once more, Xukun blows out the candles. 

Tucking into a slice of cake each, Ziyi chuckles when he notices a smudge of cream on the corner of Xukun’s lips. Reaching over naturally, he moves to wipe it off with his thumb. But his outstretched hand falls short as Xukun leans back, away from Ziyi. They make eye contact, and time freezes for a split second before Xukun looks away, laughing awkwardly as he wipes his mouth with a serviette. Ziyi’s smile remains on his face, putting up a nonchalant front. His hand falls back to his side. They both pretend nothing happened, continuing their conversation on Ziyi’s experience in New Zealand with their other bros. 

Dishes set aside in the sink to be washed tomorrow, they go for a late night walk, naturally finding themselves in that little carpark once again. They stand side by side, a comfortable silence settling between them. Ziyi slings an arm around Xukun, pulling him closer into his side. Xukun fits right in, like a puzzle piece Ziyi had been missing. 

“Ziyi,” Xukun calls out. 

“Yeah?”

“I’m tired.” Xukun sounds so defeated and hollow, Ziyi’s heart aches for him. He knows just how hard things must have been for Xukun, even if the boy said he didn’t lend his ear to haters. But how can Xukun not be affected when everything he loved was being made fun of, his hard work insulted, and even his fans being bullied online? The boy was only 21 years old. 

“You can rely on me a little more, you know?” Ziyi squeezes Xukun’s shoulder reassuringly. He wants to be his strength, a tree for Xukun to lean on when he needs support.

But Xukun takes a step away, turning to face Ziyi directly. 

“No. I can’t,” he says resolutely.

“Why?”

“I’m thankful, but we- this- I can’t go on like this.”

“What do you mean?” Ziyi’s lips are drawn into a thin line as he takes a step forward, towards Xukun.

The younger boy shakes his head, taking yet another step back. Distance.

“We should be focusing on our careers. We can’t just go on like this. This _thing_ between us.”

“And we _are_ focusing on our careers. We’ve been supporting each other, haven’t we? I’ve been here this whole time.”

After Xukun had let Ziyi in that night after their fanmeeting, they formed a special bond. What they were, Ziyi didn’t dare put a name to it. And he didn’t see the need to. While they both trudged on in the muddy mire known as the entertainment industry, simply knowing that they had each other made it easier to bear the stress. Ziyi thought that maybe one day, when they had both found more stable footing, they’d be able to get to talking about them. Till then, Ziyi could wait. He was content with what they had. But what was Xukun saying now?

“You have, for sure. You always have been so so kind to me,” to the extent it hurt. To the extent Xukun hated himself for not being able to reply to Ziyi's good mornings, because he wasn’t having a good morning. He couldn’t even say goodnight because it was going to be yet another sleepless night. He hated himself for being so weak, for not being able to talk to Ziyi who was being considerate of him, patiently waiting for him. He hated the him that was just constantly basking in Ziyi’s warmth. It made him all the more aware of how weak he was, how weak he’d _gotten_ after becoming so reliant on Ziyi.

“And I’m really very thankful to you for all the support you’ve given me. I know you’ve always believed in me.”

“So what’s the problem then Kun?” Ziyi knits his brows in frustration. For the first time since Idol Producer, he doesn’t understand Xukun. 

“That’s the problem. I’m not -” He’s not who Ziyi thinks he is. He’s not that dedicated, persistent and strong person Ziyi sees him as. There have been so many times he wanted to run away from everything and everyone. Even Ziyi. And yet at the same time, he also wanted to run _to_ Ziyi. The conflict gnawed at him from inside out, torturing him. 

“I just need a break. Things have been rough and I want to focus on making my music. It’s not you. It’s me.” He needed time away, just to find himself and become stronger. He can’t allow himself to keep relying on Ziyi like this.He had a long way to go and to keep walking his path, he can’t allow himself to be this fragile. 

Ziyi doesn’t reply. He remains stationary, eyes boring into Xukun’s, searching. 

“Please, Ziyi.” Xukun pleads. 

“Is this what’s best for you right now?” Ziyi asks carefully, each word rolling off his tongue sluggishly.

“Yes.” Xukun nods. _Please don’t let me do this._

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” _No._

“Okay. I understand.”

A small part of Xukun hoped Ziyi would say no for once. Deny him, for being so selfish, for only caring about himself, for being a coward. But Ziyi has always been someone who gives to the people he cares about. He gives, and gives, and gives. As long as it’s within his capacity, if he can make others just a little happier, he’s willing to help, to support, and to even compromise on himself. He gives just as fiercely as he loves. 

When Xukun vied for the center position for Ei Ei. Once again when Xukun contested for center in PPAP. When Xukun was nominated as leader for Papillon. Again, both leader and center of Mack Daddy. And many other little instances, like when Xukun wanted to let the little piglet out of the mystery box, or when they had to vote for best commercial during one of their fan meetings and then Xukun wanted to ‘buy’ his paper crown. Each time, unfailingly, Ziyi would raise his hand for Xukun. He’d agree, show his approval, express his support and faith in the younger boy. He’d go along with Xukun, no matter how big or small the matter. That was just the kind of person Ziyi was.

Once, Xukun had even gotten angry at Ziyi, when he gave Qinfen another chance to spin the bottle to decide who would join the ‘Listen To What I Say’ team. Xukun then couldn’t understand how Ziyi could sacrifice himself like that. Ziyi had already done it once, giving up the center position in Papillon to Justin. And he was doing it again, despite this being a competition. Back then, Ziyi’s simple reply doused Xukun’s rage: “I understand how they feel, and to me it’s not a big deal.” His matter of fact tone and honest expression had left Xukun speechless. And also incredibly fond. This was Ziyi afterall. The kindest person Xukun knows. The person he trusts the most. 

And so, just as always, Ziyi agrees. They part ways, the special bond between them lost in the night, like the dissipating smoke of blown out candles. 

* * *

“How have you been?” Xukun finally speaks up, his words punctuating the inky darkness around them. 

Ziyi almost scoffs. Really? 

“Good, I was working on some music when I got your text.”

“Ah.”

Silence again. 

Xukun bites on his lower lip nervously. Has talking to Ziyi always been so difficult? To be honest, he’s not entirely sure what he wants to do or say to Ziyi after all this time. All he knew was that he regretted his decision back then. He had made a huge mistake.

The first time it hit him was during their farewell concert. As Ziyi went down the line, thanking each member individually, recounting the times they’d spent together, Xukun’s heart raced. He was nervous and, just a little bit, hopeful.

“During the programme, Kun helped me alot. He’s really…”

Tears streaked his face as Ziyi looked up, trying to prevent more tears from falling. Countless memories flashed through his mind, none of which he can speak of. 

“A role model for all of us,” he concludes.

‘A role model’ - in the end, that was all Ziyi could use to describe Xukun.

Of course, it wasn’t sufficient. Xukun had been the biggest influence on him in Idol Producer, pushing him to be more and dream big. Since the first time Ziyi saw Xukun perform, he had been enthralled and intrigued. He wanted to get to know him better. After practicing together in class A, Xukun slowly opened up to Ziyi like an unfurling rose, letting Ziyi see his beauty and resilience, as well as his thorns. Xukun’s work ethic, his dedication, his passion, and also his precious innocence and pure love for the stage - all of it attracted Ziyi. Despite all he had been through, Xukun still persisted, cradling his dream close to his heart. Ziyi’s parents had always said that he should be mindful of the kind of company he hangs out with - they disapproved of him dancing breaking precisely because of this - and Ziyi thinks they’d very much approve of Xukun. Before long, Xukun went beyond being simply someone he looked up to and learnt from. Xukun became the person he wanted to see happy, because that was what it meant to love someone. Xukun became the person Ziyi wanted to support the most. The person he wanted to be with. But in the end, he wasn’t allowed to. 

The whole time Ziyi spoke, Xukun avoided making eye contact with Ziyi. Even as he could feel Ziyi’s gaze on him and see Ziyi turn towards him from the corner of his eye, Xukun could only nod and look down, trying to act natural. He knew this wasn’t goodbye, but he hated how much it sounded like one. The last bond he had with Ziyi - the bond in the name of Ninepercent - was ending. He hated the widening distance between them, the empty space that only grew larger since that night. But he’d made his decision months ago and ended things himself. What more could he have expected from Ziyi besides those two words - ‘role model’?

The second time regret hit him was during his stint as Kun PD. When he first stepped into the set at Lang Fang, he was hit by a wave of nostalgia. While it wasn’t Dachang, the familiar setting, the everpresent logo, and the same grey uniforms - all of it brought many precious memories to the surface. He saw traces of his fellow trainees everywhere, the fervent spirits of the trainees he oversaw much alike to how they were in Idol Producer. When he peered into Class A, he almost expected to see those familiar faces dressed in pink. And when the video of the trainees thanking each other after the theme song assessment played, Xukun’s heart twisted up in knots. He thought of his own time practicing EiEi, the first time he met and really got to know Ziyi. Ziyi had been the first person to talk to him, the only one unfazed by the fact that he had a million followers, had more experience onstage, and had gotten the first A. The other trainees were apprehensive of him, some afraid, others intimidated. In his memories, in almost every performance from PPAP to Mack Daddy, Ziyi was always there. And yet now, Ziyi was nowhere to be found. The only time Xukun ever sees Ziyi is in their 9% group chat. 

The final blow to Xukun, the moment he realised how big of a dumbass he was, came from a rather unexpected place. During recording, as part of the script, Xukun asked the “Missing You” team if they had anyone they wished to see. 

Zoe Wang replied, “The person we most want to see yet also don’t want to see is - “

_Ziyi._

The name came naturally to Xukun.

Back in Idol producer, Xukun had said a similar line when asked by Zhang PD. And even now, it rang true. Xukun was indeed afraid to see Ziyi. What if Ziyi had already moved on from him, the failure of a ‘role model’ he is? What if Ziyi no longer wanted to have anything to do with him? And yet even so, even if Ziyi no longer cared about Xukun, he wanted to see Ziyi. Just once more. 

And so, Xukun finally mustered up the courage, after months of agonizing, to meet Ziyi. 

Ziyi is seated here right beside him, so close yet so far. Xukun could reach out and touch Ziyi, hold his hand and feel his warmth once again. But he can’t, the space between them is like an invisible wall, shutting Xukun out. Xukun himself built this wall, and now he has no idea how to tear it down.

“... I miss you.” Xukun whispers, voice hoarse. It’s the only thing he can say. His true feelings, raw and unpolished, no smoke and mirrors. He can’t find better words.

Ziyi doesn’t reply.

The silence is cruel and Xukun wants to hate Ziyi for it but he can’t. He deserves this cold treatment.

“I’m sorry.” he chokes up, breath catching in his throat. “I’m so sorry.” 

A sigh. 

Xukun braces himself for what is to come. The rejection. The anger. The hate. 

Ziyi turns to look at Xukun directly for the first time that night. A single tear drop rolls down the younger boy’s cheek, his eyes downcast and afraid. Ziyi stops himself from reaching out to wipe it away. He relents just a little bit. 

“What are you sorry for?” He asks measuredly.

Xukun takes in a shuddered breath. “Back then I - I was being an idiot. With everything that was happening, I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid.” 

“Afraid?” What could Xukun possibly be so afraid of, to go to such extremes and shut him out? 

“Afraid of how weak I’d become. Afraid that you’d see that I’m not as strong as you always say I am. I’d become so reliant on you, it... scared me.” The last two words are reduced to a whisper, as if the younger boy was afraid to let the world hear - hear the fact that he, Cai Xukun, king of the stage, had things he feared.

Ziyi’s eyes soften. All this time, he thought Xukun pushed him away because he was unneeded, a distraction for Xukun who wanted to pursue his music. Quite frankly, he thought Xukun found him smothering and unnecessary. Little did he know, it was the exact opposite. 

“I’m not - I’m not your role model. I’m not perfect, there are times where I want to run away, and times where I just hate everything. I - “

“Kun,” Ziyi interrupts Xukun’s rambling. 

“Kun, look at me.” Xukun clamps his mouth shut, stubbornly looking down instead. 

Ziyi has always known Xukun to be confident of his own abilities, shining on the stage, always prepared for whatever opportunities come his way. Perhaps because the spotlight was always on him, the shadows were darker and deeper, hidden away but always lurking. He didn’t know how much pressure Xukun endured, striving for perfection while trying to be strong on his own, so much so that the act of reliance alone scared him. The world had forced him to be unfazed by whatever comes his way, refusing him the right to even admit that yes, he had his own weaknesses, fears, and uncertainties. 

“Kunkun,” Ziyi calls out again, softly this time, his voice laced with endearment. 

Finally, Xukun turns, making eye contact with Ziyi. His eyes are wide and tearful, uncertain, like a deer caught in the headlights. 

Ziyi smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He reaches out to pat Xukun’s head gently. The younger boy remains frozen in place, uncomprehending. 

“It’s okay to rely on me.” Ziyi moves to take Xukun’s hand in his. 

“It’s okay to say that you’re scared. I’ll be there for you. It doesn’t make you weak. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. And you don’t have to be perfect. The you on the stage, the you working hard at practice, the you right now. You’re okay just like this. I’m so proud of you, you know that?”

Ziyi laces his fingers through Xukun’s, squeezing gently. 

“I like you Xukun. I love you so much, more than you can imagine.” Ziyi whispers, bringing up their joint hands to kiss Xukun’s knuckles gently.

“But I- I’m-” Xukun doesn’t understand. After everything, how can Ziyi still accept him?

Ziyi shakes his head gently, continuing, “You know, at first you really were my role model. You inspired me to take being an idol more seriously and chase my dreams. I loved talking to you about music and producing. I wanted to be near you. But then you became something more. Someone important. Someone I want to support and protect no matter what. You say you’re not perfect, and I know. Back then in Papillon, I heard your rap. You shared your story with me. I listened to Blindfolded as well. I know all of your scars and all the times you fell and got back up. That’s all the more reason why I want to be with you. You’re just so so strong and beautiful.”

Hearing every word, Xukun can barely believe his ears. For Xukun, ever since they shared their first kiss and even before, Ziyi has been irreplaceable. Ziyi was his comfort, his safe place, his constant even as tides shifted and he was left to drift in open waters. Ziyi was kind to everyone, especially him. But that kindness hurt for Xukun, and everytime he looked into Ziyi’s eyes and saw the pure and honest admiration the older boy had for him, it felt like he was looking into a mirror. A mirror that magnified his flaws and weaknesses. It exposed the side of Xukun that needed encouragement and support, the side of him that wasn’t the confident king on stage.

While Xukun had no doubt in his own abilities, he still had his uncertainties. There were times where he became unsure if persisting with his own controversial style, his own music, was the way to go. He lost count of the number of times his management and his friends told him to compromise more. But amidst all the voices, there was Ziyi who always accepted him, voicing his approval and support for Xukun’s decisions. Ziyi who would listen to him and understand. It was a source of reassurance for him, in a world that was ever changing. Back when Xukun first became aware of how much he looked to Ziyi for emotional support, he was apprehensive. He didn’t know if it was okay for him to ask for so much from Ziyi. He felt he was simply taking advantage of Ziyi’s kind nature that was predisposed to give more than take. Ziyi didn’t have any reason to shoulder his emotional baggage.

“Xukun, I like you. Maybe I should have told you all this earlier. Maybe that’s where we went wrong. I thought we could talk about us in due time, but I should have done it from the start.” 

Ziyi pauses and takes in a deep breath. “Will you stay by my side?”

As always, honest eyes and straightforward words. Xukun can’t help it, he’s caught in the gentle trap known as Wang Ziyi with no way out. Large teardrops spill over, wetting his cheeks. He’s wanted to hear those words for forever. Those words that say it’s ok for him, for Xukun to be with Ziyi.

“Rely on me, please.” Ziyi brings Xukun into his embrace, gently kissing the boy’s forehead, burying himself in the crook of his neck. Xukun melts into a puddle, his mind a mess, his emotions pouring out of him like an open floodgate. He’s relieved, so so relieved that he has Ziyi back, that Ziyi hasn’t forsaken him, that Ziyi _wants_ him by his side. Ziyi is still here. 

“Thank you, thank you Ziyi.” Xukun mumbles in between sobs, clinging on tight to Ziyi, the distance between them long gone. 

Ziyi runs his hand down Xukun’s back, stroking soothingly. 

“I’m right here, don’t worry.” He’s never left.

Xukun is enveloped in warmth, a safe reassuring warmth that he knows won’t disappear. He now knows how much strength and courage it took to rely on others. Ziyi was both his motivation to be better and a place to rest his tired wings. There was nothing to fear.

“I love you too, Ziyi.” Together, they’d move forward.

In that little car park, a place for just the two of them, hidden away from the world, they find each other again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading to the end! Honestly didn't think i'd be writing another fic, but here I am! 
> 
> I struggled a lot writing this, not wanting Xukun to come off as weak or overly reliant. He's someone who is crazy strong, persisting despite everything he went through. But at the same time, he's a sensitive child, his strength coming only after going through a lot. Likewise, Ziyi is not just by default kind and selfless. All of it stems from his love for people, be it as a friend or otherwise. I hope I was able to portray both Kun and Ziyi well in this! 
> 
> Some things I thought about while writing:  
> (1) That moment in Super Idol where Kun is saying bye to his mom in Korea, holding her hand as they walked to the car. Kun has also said before he's bad at goodbyes.  
> (2) There's a whole birthday interview of Ninepercent saying when Kun is the most childlike. Zhangjing mentioned the burger thing.  
> (3) I believe Ziyi mentioned before in an interview he rarely gets angry and that he's really easy to appease even when he does get angry.  
> (4) Kun in Super Idol who grew so fast and blossomed with the encouragement and recognition of San-ge. 
> 
> The other moments referenced in this are pretty obvious so I shall not pinpoint them. This will probably be the last canon compliant fic I write in a while. Finally got all of it out of my system and don't wanna be take things too far with canon compliant lmao.


End file.
